New Journey... Again.

I'm sitting in my office, contemplating my first entry on this new blog. As I find myself wondering what my inaugural post should be - what on earth would people want to read about me - I realized this blog isn't for you. It's for me and about me. About my journey in the next many months. About trying to discover new revelations about myself and about becoming something new. So please don't take offense, but it doesn't matter what you think or what you want to know. This is a place I get to be completely selfish.

Now that I have that out of the way, let me share what this journey is about. I am 41 years old. I have lived 95% of my life overweight - and much of it clinically obese. It's not pleasant (to say the least), but I've learned to live with it. And truthfully, that's the crux of my problem right there. I've learned to live with it. And on some days, it's not much of a life. While I'm able to get up and go to work, enjoy my friends and family, there's a great deal that I want to do and can't. Or I'm not able to do at the level I want. When you're obese, you learn with an acceptance of "missing out". With a wall built around you, because when you go out in public, you get those looks. You know the ones I'm talking about - you've either given them or received them. I've been on both sides. You come to expect judgment from strangers, and sometimes friends. And you learn to live with a certain amount of shame because deep down, some of that judgment is (let's be honest), justifiable. Trust me. It's no way to live.

As I entered my 40's, I came to realize I don't want to spend the next half of my life accepting something mediocre. I have a nephew who is 4 and a half years old. He's got all the energy you would expect from a happy little boy. I am his favorite Aunt. No, really. It was my plan from the beginning. He adores me, and I adore him. But as he's grown, he wants his Auntie Chelle to be able to play with him. Play kickball outside, play tag, and all those other things little boys want. I don't want to be that Aunt who says "Sorry, buddy. Auntie Chelle can't run with you, but you go have fun and tell me all about it when you get back". I don't want to miss out on anything with him. I don't want to miss out on life.

So. Where does that bring me? It brings me to today. I'm starting a new journey to become healthier. I know that I will never look like Beyonce, but that doesn't mean I have to resign to life half lived. So I'm making some changes. While I may be great at handling change professionally, I'm not very good at it personally. I know this is going to be really hard. But I also know I don't want to die of a heart attack when I'm 45.

This blog will be where I record my journey. I'll be tracking my food intake daily, because I need to be accountable. It's easy to say to myself that I'll just stop at McD's on my way home because no one will ever know. Now it will be out there for anyone to see, and I don't want to write that I've had a double cheeseburger for dinner five nights in a row. I'll be talking about how I'm working to physically change my body. Expect me to whine about that. Expect me to whine A LOT. I have never enjoyed exercise, and I HATE to sweat. But the costs (financial and otherwise) of not doing it are astronomical.

If I've invited you to read this blog, it's because I trust you and respect you. These are things that are almost impossible for me to say out loud, but the reality is I need to say them. I need to be accountable. Most of all, I need your support. I am going to whine, and bellyache, and complain, and want to quit. Probably every day. But I can't - there is just too much at stake. I ask that you occasionally take minute to remind me that you don't want me to quit, either. And send me LOTS of good, positive energy. I'm going to need it!